I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
