Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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