i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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