My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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