I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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