Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
