There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
