You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
