Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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