He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
