I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
