Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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