this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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