you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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