My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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