You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
