Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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