They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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