he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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