everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
