I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
