i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
