My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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