bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
