wanna go halves on a baby?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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