Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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