I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
