Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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