She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
