dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
