I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
