I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
