WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
