For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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