You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
