Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
