So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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