John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
