You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Randomize
