Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
