I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He shit in the fireplace
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
