im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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