I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
