i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I got inside last night via doggy door
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
