Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
