She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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