Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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