He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
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An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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