she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
