Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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