So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
