i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Who died my cat blue again?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
