Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Randomize
