It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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